There's a difference

Wow!  It's been quite a while since I've written.  I usually make time to write when my heart cannot contain or hold back how I feel.  Recently I have been writing a lot in a journal, so my thoughts have been expressed elsewhere...which you may be relieved to know. :)  But I felt compelled to share what I've been learning, and how the Lord has been speaking to me.

It hasn't been that long that I've felt the presence of God in my life.  I grew up knowing a lot of things about God, but not knowing the true presence of Him in my life.  I always did the right things.  I "performed" to a set of standards that legalism always expects of you.  I was a good girl because if you were bad, you were not accepted in the circle.  I was condemning to the world around me at times too, and I still am because of that religious spirit.  There came a point in my life that I was sick of the whole acting thing.  Life is messy.  Just because you do the right things, that doesn't keep you going down the easy road of life.  Pain and heartache happen to all of us.  Life sucks at times, and if there is the absence of His presence, it feels empty.  I always felt like there was something more.  Something I had to be missing.

About 12ish years ago...yikes I'm old...I went to college and found I was missing His presence...His intimacy...His love.  And then over the years, I have come to know Him more.  He is constantly sanding and refining me.  The work He does is never done.  He points something out, and then begins to work on your heart in that area...and if the lesson isn't learned, He comes back to try it again.  I know because I've been through it.

In a recent study at church, I have been learning how to hear the voice of God.  I thought I was going to find out how to hear from Him.  Find out there was a process to easy communication that I hadn't figured out yet.  He actually revealed things to me that blew me away about Him.  Of course He has a plan for us, His plan is amazing.  But He is not a God that is just used for our purposes.  He is not a genie.  He wants to talk to us through His Word.  He wants us to meditate in His presence.  The Holy Spirit in us is for a more intimate relationship with Jesus.  And through that relationship, you see His plans, you see Him working in your life.  You hear his voice.

 He has revealed to me how I have confused His voice with the enemy.  I have many thoughts of  self-condemnation. I always think I am not doing something good enough.  I'm not a good enough wife...  not a good enough mother...not a good enough housekeeper, teacher, don't spend enough time in the Word...I have beaten the tar out of myself.  And I have believed it was conviction.  But I refuse to believe that lie.  The Spirit doesn't speak like that.  Jesus doesn't condemn us.  His conviction is gentle and loving.  This condemning of self is Satan's way of distorting His presence.  It has brought me down long enough.  I have exposed him and I am transforming my mind to realize that it's not the Holy Spirit.  The Holy Spirit says, "Sarah, I miss you.  Come sit with me.  Come talk with me."  There's not a hint of condemning.  The Holy Spirit's conviction brings to light and exposes things, but doesn't heap judgement on our heads.  His conviction spurs true repentance and gives us hope that we can overcome. 

I will continue to be in His Word, because it is His Word.  I'm not in it anymore because it's what I should do.  It's what I want to do.  We have it right before us to study and learn how to become more like Him.  How to be changed and renewed....a constant process.

I pray all of you hear from Him in your life.  That your faith is made personal and you get to experience His presence.  It's unlike anything else.  Once you get a taste of HIM, you will not be able to go back to how you once were.  You will be forever changed.

Pondering

I was stopped in my tracks this week at how quickly life is going.  I just sat down the other night and had a good cry about my son who has grown into a little boy over night.  I shouldn't have, but I watched some little videos of him when he was 2 and my heart ached.  We are getting ready to start kindergarten.  Seriously, I can NOT take it.  I have a lump in my throat just thinking about it.  Gage will start preschool with us this year.  And Bella will mostly play and try to thwart our efforts of work. :-)  But, I embrace it all.  I am reveling in this coming season.  This is the season of life that has filled my heart so much.  I absolutely have those days of wanting to lock the door and have complete silence, every mom does.  It's normal.  But for today, I feel that exciting, blessed, joy from being so very thankful for His provision.  I get to teach these little ones everything I know, everything I can, and give my all for their benefit.

As we walked down our drive for our daily trip to the mailbox, I watched each one of them closely.  Brody, running full speed!  Always wanting to be the leader.  The first one to the end of the driveway.  Gage, trying to keep up with Brody.  Stopping to cry for a minute because he can't.  Then getting distracted by an ant hill and a butterfly.  And Bella, waddling after the boys.  Not really watching or caring where she's actually going.  She just wants to be a part of it all.  She's a free spirit.  It made me think how different we all are.  How those are journeys we are all on.  Some of us running full speed to win the prize.  Some running but getting upset because we can't keep up and then distracted by something else.  Some just going that way because everyone else is.  And at different times in our lives I believe we fit into one of those categories.  And so many others.

I guess I just want to remember this time.  This time in each of their little lives.  This feeling of something amazing is about to happen.  God is so good.  He is such a giver of gifts and grace.  His outpouring of favor on us unbelievable.  He loves me and He wants great things for our lives.  I feel like I need to live in that for the moment.  Saturate myself in how good He is.  I know this isn't an amazing teaching or me sharing something I learned.  But today I just want to enjoy this goodness. 

Freedom

I've never felt good enough as a mother.  I don't have all these amazing talents that so many other moms have.  I don't do pinterest activities or have much artistic talent that way.  I don't FEEL like I have enough to give to these little treasures God has entrusted to us.  The last time I worked outside the home, was before I had Brody.  And as long as I've been a mom, I've had this chip on my shoulder that there should be something else I should be doing.  I should be selling things on the internet...sewing blankets and clothes...making food for the masses...and don't get me wrong, those are all amazing things!  But I never fit into those categories.  I've always felt under par.  I felt like people have looked at me and thought, "So what do you do?"  And I've felt hurt by those accusations.  I've let myself be run over as "just a stay at home mom."

Today in a video message a dear friend sent to me, I felt true peace and freedom.  I felt the Lord spoke a word over me that just resonated in my heart and literally lifted this huge burden I've placed on myself.  He said, "THIS is what you are to do..."  And I was like what Lord?  What do you mean?  I looked around at these littles running all around me and realized it was the simplest, yet most meaningful answer.  "THIS" was referring to these little people.  I'm to raise them as well as God gives me the grace to raise them and to my best ability.  This is my calling.  Stop trying to add to this task He's set before me.  Stop trying to be something more.  I'm doing enough.  I am enough.  "THIS" is enough.  Its only taken me almost 6 years to hear Him.  Obviously I'm not listening hard enough.  But what joy and freedom I feel today because of His revelation.

Dear Jesus, continue to speak to me, and to the other mamas.  Reveal your plan to us through your Word and your voice.  We want Jesus encounters daily.  We want connection to you daily.  We need more of you Jesus.  Be present in our day to day activities.  Working outside or in the home, be our guide as we guide these little ones.  Thank you for your provision today.

Thanks for letting me share my heart family and friends. :) 

Remember

There are some things in life we can never forget...trials and tests that we have gone through that have made us into what we are today.  This week I have mulled a few over in my mind.  And all I can do is tear up and think, God is so faithful.  How did I get through it, if not for the Lord. 

This week I made a book to my Bella.  I used pictures from her birth to her surgery to show her how we went through the process of her being a thriving baby to a sick one with an awful diagnosis.  Which He then took and made a beautiful story.  He is so good.  And I am so blessed.

I think back further...to a time when it was just Bo, myself, and Brody.  Brody was 2, and we were trying for another baby.  I found out we were pregnant, and I was so relieved and excited.  I remember my husband coming home and announcing to him that we were going to have another baby.  We wanted to keep it quiet until we saw our parents.  A few weeks passed.  We were reveling in the awe of another.  Devastation hit me as I saw myself miscarrying.  I tried not to panic, but I knew that's what was happening.  I called for Bo, and we crumpled together in the pain of heartache and all of those dreams and first with that baby had come to an end.  Jesus was holding her now. 

In the weeks and months that followed, so many emotions ran through us both.  Anger, despair, depression, grief...

The Lord held me in those times, through all the questions, the why's, the what if's.  It rocked us.  It was a heavy storm that felt tipped the boat almost too far.  But the Lord proved faithful again.  His mercy and love are never failing. 

This week we planted a memorial tree for that baby.  I had wanted a weeping cherry.  For me, it was the picture of a bittersweet memory.  It's a beautiful, delicate tree.  It stands near the house as you pull up the driveway as a memorial stone in our lives as the Lord's faithfulness through all things.  I will forever remember you little one.

Flawed

The Lord's been prompting me to write on the topic of being flawed.  So many times I find myself not living up to what I want to be...as a wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend.  I constantly see where I fall short.  I know I'm a work in progress.  But I also know God can use us for the good just like we are. 

As I've been studying David in the Bible, I've come to see how God uses anyone to do His work.  ANYONE.  David was a shepherd...God made him king.  David was a young boy...he slayed a giant.  David was pursued by Saul's army...God hid him for His purposes.  Continually David sees how the covering of the Lord and the favor of the Lord rests on Him.  David was flawed.  He murders, he lies, he sleeps with another man's wife...and so many other things.  But the Lord saw his repentant heart.  The Lord saw his consistent praise.  And God continued to use him.

There are women throughout the Bible who are prostitutes, adulterers, gossips, the list goes on...but God uses them.  It's not about what you've done.  It's about where your heart is.
You see, I used to think that being a good person meant that I loved Jesus.  Because if you love Jesus, you don't do bad things.  That's insane.  The Bible is full of people who did bad things, and God used them despite their pasts, their baggage, their crud.  God is a radical life changer. 

The Lord changes our hearts first.  Then out of the heart, the rest of the life is changed.  And it's not immediate that everything is changed.  It's a lifetime.  He works on one thing at a time.  And then when that gets changed, He moves on to another area in your heart to work on.  I've known the Lord since I was 5, and He's still working on me...Praise Jesus!  I'm a flawed person.  I'm not going to be perfect.  I'm just working day by day to listen to His prodding of what I need to change.  And I can tell you that some things He's been working on for a loooooooong time.  It's a constant process.  But I do know that I'm not where I want to be, but I'm better than I used to be.  God still uses this flawed wife, mom, daughter, sister, and friend to do His work.  Despite all my shortcomings...He still uses me.  You are usable.  You are worthy.  You are a child of the King.

 1 Samuel 16:7
"For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart."

 Philippians 1:6
"For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus."