Remember

There are some things in life we can never forget...trials and tests that we have gone through that have made us into what we are today.  This week I have mulled a few over in my mind.  And all I can do is tear up and think, God is so faithful.  How did I get through it, if not for the Lord. 

This week I made a book to my Bella.  I used pictures from her birth to her surgery to show her how we went through the process of her being a thriving baby to a sick one with an awful diagnosis.  Which He then took and made a beautiful story.  He is so good.  And I am so blessed.

I think back further...to a time when it was just Bo, myself, and Brody.  Brody was 2, and we were trying for another baby.  I found out we were pregnant, and I was so relieved and excited.  I remember my husband coming home and announcing to him that we were going to have another baby.  We wanted to keep it quiet until we saw our parents.  A few weeks passed.  We were reveling in the awe of another.  Devastation hit me as I saw myself miscarrying.  I tried not to panic, but I knew that's what was happening.  I called for Bo, and we crumpled together in the pain of heartache and all of those dreams and first with that baby had come to an end.  Jesus was holding her now. 

In the weeks and months that followed, so many emotions ran through us both.  Anger, despair, depression, grief...

The Lord held me in those times, through all the questions, the why's, the what if's.  It rocked us.  It was a heavy storm that felt tipped the boat almost too far.  But the Lord proved faithful again.  His mercy and love are never failing. 

This week we planted a memorial tree for that baby.  I had wanted a weeping cherry.  For me, it was the picture of a bittersweet memory.  It's a beautiful, delicate tree.  It stands near the house as you pull up the driveway as a memorial stone in our lives as the Lord's faithfulness through all things.  I will forever remember you little one.

Flawed

The Lord's been prompting me to write on the topic of being flawed.  So many times I find myself not living up to what I want to be...as a wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend.  I constantly see where I fall short.  I know I'm a work in progress.  But I also know God can use us for the good just like we are. 

As I've been studying David in the Bible, I've come to see how God uses anyone to do His work.  ANYONE.  David was a shepherd...God made him king.  David was a young boy...he slayed a giant.  David was pursued by Saul's army...God hid him for His purposes.  Continually David sees how the covering of the Lord and the favor of the Lord rests on Him.  David was flawed.  He murders, he lies, he sleeps with another man's wife...and so many other things.  But the Lord saw his repentant heart.  The Lord saw his consistent praise.  And God continued to use him.

There are women throughout the Bible who are prostitutes, adulterers, gossips, the list goes on...but God uses them.  It's not about what you've done.  It's about where your heart is.
You see, I used to think that being a good person meant that I loved Jesus.  Because if you love Jesus, you don't do bad things.  That's insane.  The Bible is full of people who did bad things, and God used them despite their pasts, their baggage, their crud.  God is a radical life changer. 

The Lord changes our hearts first.  Then out of the heart, the rest of the life is changed.  And it's not immediate that everything is changed.  It's a lifetime.  He works on one thing at a time.  And then when that gets changed, He moves on to another area in your heart to work on.  I've known the Lord since I was 5, and He's still working on me...Praise Jesus!  I'm a flawed person.  I'm not going to be perfect.  I'm just working day by day to listen to His prodding of what I need to change.  And I can tell you that some things He's been working on for a loooooooong time.  It's a constant process.  But I do know that I'm not where I want to be, but I'm better than I used to be.  God still uses this flawed wife, mom, daughter, sister, and friend to do His work.  Despite all my shortcomings...He still uses me.  You are usable.  You are worthy.  You are a child of the King.

 1 Samuel 16:7
"For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart."

 Philippians 1:6
"For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus."

His Presence

What you are about to read, I pray is an encouragement and helps you through a tough moment.  Empty.  Blah.  Comatose.  Motions.  All words used describe myself the past few weeks or months or just certain days.  What is it that Paul says in Romans, "I don't understand what I do...for what I want to do, I don't do, and what I hate, I do."  I do not want to feel this way.  I want to be vibrant, loving, overflowing with kindness, patient and kind...you know, the fruits of the Spirit.  Yet, I am struggling for a minute.  Am I depressed?  It's definitely possible.  Do Christians get depressed?  Absolutely.  It's actually something that I would call a generational curse in my family.  I must actively fight it off.  Yes I know I have so much to be thankful for, but there are still days when ugliness gets through.

As much as I looked forward to a new adventure, I also loathe the process of everything new again.  I've done this a time or two.  "This ain't my first rodeo."  We've moved 8 times in 9 years of marriage.  I've been all over the mid-west.  Every time there's a bit of an adjustment period.  I truly miss my old friends terribly.  I try to put on a brave face.  I go shopping at the normal stores, but nothing feels familiar.  I miss my blood and church families.  I'm complaining.  And I'm so sorry.  No one wants to hear this.  Every body has their own "stuff" they are going through.  My mom always says, "Sarah, you could be in the hospital with tubes up your butt and in your nose"...well that would definitely be worse mama. 

So here I find myself raw before the Lord.  Wounds exposed.  Feelings of loneliness, sadness, anger, tired of being tired.  And the only thing I keep coming back to is, His Presence.  Isn't that the only thing that truly satisfies us completely.  Even if I had all the things I truly think I want back in my life, I still would be craving His Presence.  He satisfies.  He fills.  He delivers.  He upholds.  He gives.  Over and over without fail, it's just His Presence.  So here I sit, while the world turns crazy around me.  The boys screaming, Bella cooing, the T.V. blaring, and me trying to get a grip.  Just get in his presence.  Draw near.  Get closer.  Whatever you have to deal with this day, this season, get into the presence of the Lord.  Let Him be your strength through the empty days.

Your presence is all I need
It's all I want, all I seek
Without it, without it there's no meaning
Your presence is the air I breath
The song I sing, the love I need
Without it, without it I'm not living

I will exalt You, Lord, I will exalt You, Lord
There is no one like You God
I will exalt You, Lord, I will exalt You, Lord
No other name be lifted high

There will be no one like You
And no one beside You
You alone are worthy of all praise
There will be no one like You
And no one beside You
You alone are worthy of all praise

If you want to hear the song...copy and paste   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GT1LWYVnBVw

Light

Our road here in Kentucky is not what I would call safe or an easy drive.  It's beautiful at times, but mostly curvy, twisted, and downright scary.  I've had it on my heart to write about it for about a month now, but you all know how incredibly busy it is to move a home, let alone with 3 kids, dogs, cats, and a bazillion cows and goats.  So that is why I am finally getting a few minutes while the kids are "resting" to get this out of my head and onto paper before my brain explodes from thinking about it so much.  Keep in mind I'm sleep-deprived and a smidge insane.  :-)

Turning onto Convict Rd (save the jokes, there's nothing I can do about it, it was someone's last name, not a prison community) seems fine and dandy at first.  It is a one-laner.  There's a tree tunnel through most of it.  It looks kind of pretty at first.

That's how I started out my journey of life.  I thought it looked so pretty and easy.  I thought it was safe and gentle...at first.  Then along the way of this road and life for that matter, there are cliffs.  Drop-offs into ravines and rivers that could sweep you away if you're not careful and don't hang on tight.

The past few months have been downright scary.  We were told Arabella will die by the age of 4 if we do not get her this surgery.  Her lungs will be so used up that she won't be able to breathe on her own anymore.  And her heart will have irreversible damage after just one short year. Makes you want to puke...or worse.  I felt like I was driving on Convict Road at night when the moon can't even shine through to help light the way.  I felt like shouting to God, "Are you there!?"  Bo and I were still holding on tight to the wheel of faith, but it felt very lonely.  It felt scary and dark.  There were moments where we'd see little fragments of light shine through where the woods couldn't completely block out the sun.  We'd feel prayers or we'd grab on to the hope of someone's testimony.  But the road seemed so long at times.  It felt like it wouldn't end.  Life's like that.  There are things that we go through that just seem to suffocate us.  But there is light at the end of the tunnel...


Where our property starts...the covering of darkness over convict road ends.  It's like BAM, you start driving up the hill to LIGHT!  Freedom from the claustrophobia of the trees and darkness.  It will end.  Whatever junk you are going through, it will end.  Jesus will help you through even when it feels He won't.  Grab on tight to that wheel!  Do not let go of Him!  And when you get to the top...to the light...there is abundant blessing!  Blessings so thick I cannot even count them all!  And abundant joy! 

This week I'm going to buy a wall decal for my living room that says, "The Lord is the strength of my life..."  It's a Psalm.  It's my life verse now.  There's no way to do it without Him.  He's it.  He's my strength.  I figured out through all the junk life throws at us that I, in my own power, am a huge wimp.  Only is it with the Father's mighty hand, that I have true strength. 

Go

Four years ago, we moved to this tiny town to begin to raise our family.  We bought a 66 acre farm that we never thought we could afford.  We slowly started renovating the old farm house, cleaned out the fields, put in lots of new fence, and finally bought cattle and goats.  Cattle to eat the grass type plants and goats to eat the woody/weedy type plants.  Makes for great hay fields. :)  We began "Troyer Family Farm."  We have raised animals on only grass and hay alone.  No corn, no antibiotics, and no hormones for the past few years.  Most have said it won't work, it can't work.  But little did they know that's how it's been done since the beginning of time.  We are going backwards.  Fighting against the new normalcy of farms today.  So, after all that, I guess it's time to announce to the world, that we are moving. 

Not too long ago, God began planting a dream in Bo's heart about becoming a rancher/farmer.  He never thought it would be possible.  His job is secure.  We have great insurance.  I get to stay home with the boys.  He only has to work 40 hours a week, which left him time to do his cattle hobby.  Well God continued to push him.  Bo couldn't see how it was possible.  He is very logical.  He has done the math many times.  He is an auditor...so he didn't think it was time yet and didn't know if there would ever be a time...until the Lord got a hold of him.  One day as he was out taking care of the animals, he was arguing with God.  He was telling Him how he knew he wasn't supposed to be sitting in a cube for his whole life, and this is what he loved to do so why couldn't he do it???  Why was it taking so long and why why why???  God replied, "Go."  Bo didn't quite know what to do with that.  God reminded him of the story of Abraham and how he told him to go and move his family and everything he had and that God would provide the rest.  So, he came in from working that day and said, "We are putting our house on the market.  God told me to go."  So we put our house on the market and it was sold in a month. 

Remember that 347 acres in Kentucky that Back Hills Farm bought last year...well Kentucky here we come!  We are now Back Hills Farm!  We have built a house there and will be moving in the next couple weeks!  We will be expanding our cow and goat herd and adding pigs, a milk cow, chickens, and whatever else Bo thinks will be productive on that farm!  We will be planning a quarterly trip to take meat to our loyal customers here in Ohio and Fort Wayne IN.  And soon we will be offering pork and chickens and eggs! 

This was about a month ago, but I don't have any recent pics.  I will add them once I get there again.

front

back

view from my kitchen window

It's all still surreal.  We had our last Sunday at church and I still am not sure how to deal with all the feelings of leaving our family of friends, but I know He will provide again just like He always does. 

PS-  Miss Bella is doing very well.  She's eating like a sumo baby and it's completely amazing.  Another provision.  Praise the Lord! 

FIGHT!

This week has been a roller coaster.  Monday morning we went to Dayton Children's to have a sedated echo with Arabella.  When we arrived, they informed us that because she is under 5 months old, they have to monitor her for 12 hours from the time they give her the sedation meds.  We were not prepared for that.  No one had informed us of that small bit of info.  So, since they made me starve her all night and morning, she was MAD!  She was TIRED!  And so was this mama.  They ended up letting me nurse her to sleep and she went through the whole procedure asleep on her own without medication.  Praise Jesus!
What we were totally shocked with was the results of the test.  Bo and I were fully expecting them to say the hole was gone and we could go on with our lives.  That was not the case.  The doctor came in looking not so happy and my heart started to break.  Not only was the hole still there, it has not even begun to close, and it may be larger than they can actually see in the echo.  Another thing of concern is how small she is.  She is losing weight weekly.  She is 3 and half months old and weighed 8 pounds Monday.  He told us he wants her to get the surgery ASAP.  Her body is telling us that she cannot continue to do this much longer. 
How can my beautiful, precious, baby girl be sick?  How can I go on like normal?  How do I get through this?  I cry out to Jesus!  Help me Lord, I cannot do this!  He quiets my heart.  He dries my tears and carries me through this.  Because honestly, I can't do it without Him.  He is my strength.  He is my help.  He is my deliverer.
I have to fight the enemy from getting in my head.  He wants to use fear and unbelief against me.  I probably sound like a crazy person if I were to tell you the conversations that go on inside my brain.  It's almost like I have a little devil whispering in one ear and a little angel in the other.  I know it's like an attack from the enemy and I have to have my armor on every day.  I am preparing for battle.

Ephesians 6:10-18

The Message (MSG)

A Fight to the Finish

^10-12 And that about wraps it up. God is strong, and he wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we’ll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.

^13-18 Be prepared. You’re up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it’s all over but the shouting you’ll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You’ll need them throughout your life. God’s Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other’s spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out.


So I thank you my friends and family for your continued prayer support!  You all are awesome!  I have been blessed by emails, texts, cards, messages, and all kinds of ways that God is using you to help keep my spirits up.  Thank you again.  So surgery is tentatively set for July 30th as long as it passes the board of doctors on Friday.  We continue to ask for a miracle of healing.  If that means before or after surgery is in God's hands. 

Persevere

The verse that keeps coming to mind, "...in this world there will be trouble, but take heart!  I have have overcome the world."  Jn. 16:33.

God keeps giving us little trials to increase our faith.  If not for those trials, we would be devastated.   Some seem so overwhelming we feel as though we won't make it through.  I could let myself go there with this one.  But I have to make a constant choice to rest in Him.

We learned about a week and a half ago that our baby girl has a hole in her heart.  At her two month check-up they heard a murmur, which we know that means we have to go to a specialist.  Brody had a small hole when he was born that closed by 4 months of age.  Gage had a larger hole that closed by 6 months of age.  I went to the cardiologist expecting the results to be much the same for Arabella.  The Dr. came in looking a little serious, but I didn't think much of it.  He then showed me a picture of the heart, like he always does, and where her ventrical septal defect is.  Same place as the boys.  Only this hole he said is significantly larger than Gage's was.  And if it doesn't start to close by 4 months, we will be scheduling a surgery by 6 months of age to close up the hole.  One side is already looking enlarged and the other side doesn't look very good either.  He said irrevocable damage can occur if we wait too long.  He also thinks that Bella isn't growing as well as she should be because her heart is working so hard and consuming all of the calories that I am giving her.  Of course I panicked for a good few hours/days. :)  I'm a mama, give me a break.  But I have come to live in peace with it.  My God is so big, that this problem shrinks with each passing day.  He will take care of it...heal it or with surgery...I don't know the way He'll do it, but He will do it.  My hope and confidence is in Him.

Another verse I am starting to understand is,
² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. ⁶ But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. ⁷ That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. ⁸ Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

I know this is another testing of my faith.  I get up every day and pray that God will give me a peace that passes understanding and get me through this.  I cannot do it on my own.  I can only persevere with His grace.  It would be easier for me just to doubt and fret and freak out...which I kind of did at the beginning...but I choose to persevere.

Please pray with us as we are trusting the Lord to heal her.  We have a checkup June 26th for another echocardiogram.  We want to see that the heart is starting to close on its own.  Thank you friends.  Bo and I appreciate your prayers.  Love you all!