Test Everything

The past month or so, Bo and I have had a spiritual awakening/revival in our home.  So many things have been revealed to us and it feels like a veil has literally been pulled off of our eyes.   For many years we have believed things because that is what our parents, school, church has taught us and we just never questioned it.  I implore you not to do that anymore.  I urge you to begin to research what you believe IN SCRIPTURE.  God’s word says to test everything against scripture.  Every holiday, every tradition that you think is true, every lie that you have easily bought into because of that’s just the way it’s always been done.  I believe that we are near a time of tribulation that we have never experienced before.  Our world is out of control and continuing to lose its foundation faster than we can keep up with.  Bo and I have never felt an urge so strongly to study and search the scriptures more than ever so that we can teach our children about Truth so that the enemy cannot deceive them like the Bible says so many of the elect will be.  We have been on our knees in prayer and petition to the Lord that He would protect them from the evil one, Satan, and his angels.  That the Lord’s Angels would put a host around our home and property and each of their lives, that His Holy Spirit would fill us each day and we can be the kind of witnesses we need to be to our children and to those we come in contact with.  If you are not in the word like you should be, I pray that this warning causes you to begin to search for Truth and understanding and wisdom for yourselves.  I pray that you begin to become on fire for His ways, His Spirit, His wisdom.  I pray that my generation begins to rise up.  I pray that you do not sit idly anymore.   Do not be lukewarm.  Do not let the enemy deceive you. 

We do not pretend to know it all, there is so much more to understand...but we will continue to search and pray and watch. 

Thank you for your time and ear. 

Love each of you dearly.

Sarah

The God of Miracles

With every faith test, I feel my belief in the God of miracles grows.  He has done things in this short life of mine that cannot be explained.  It is only by the power of God.  It has not only deepened my relationship with Him, but deepened my worship of Him.

A little over 2 months ago, my daughter Arabella, was playing with my oldest son while I was getting ready to kick a ball around at my 4 year old's soccer practice.  One second she was bouncing a basketball, and the next second she was screaming for me.  I ran over and realized her finger was pinched in a basketball bin.  I opened it and I about passed out right there.  Her fingertip literally fell over.  I'm not very good with blood at all, so I screamed for the coach, who happens to be our children's pastor at church and great friend of mine.  He grabbed her and went to find something to wrap it in to contain the bleeding.  The other coach, who happens to also go to my church and is a Kentucky State Policeman and kind of like the Kentucky SWAT version of police, raced to his car and grabbed his EMT bag.  They then jumped in his vehicle, flicked on the lights, and rushed her to the nearest ER.  By the time I got there, they had contacted UK Children's Pediatric ER and were getting ready to transfer her.  She and I rode in an ambulance to get the best care we could have hoped for.  Once at the ER, they surgically reattached her finger and told us that there was a 50/50 chance for the finger to survive.  A week later, we went to her follow-up appointment and realized it was not going to reattach.  The Dr. thought it best to wait it out and use the black finger as a natural bandaid over the raw flesh under the dead finger.  A month later, he was satisfied that it was ready for another surgery.  Before the surgery, we had many people praying and believing that God was doing a miracle.  Every Dr. we talked to just knew they would be doing a skin graft and there would be no nail because she had ripped the nail bed completely out.  30 minutes later, the surgeon came to find us and said all they did was give her a couple stitches at the top of her finger and stitched on a small piece of plastic to the front of the NAIL GROWING IN THE RIGHT PLACE to protect it in case it was brittle.  We went home in awe, wonder and amazement at the goodness of God.

I had to write this, not only as a testimony to look at for myself, but as a testimony to the amazing power of God.  It is clearly His working and His goodness.  God cares about the smallest things...even a tiny little fingernail of a sweet 2 year old baby girl.  He cares about a sad momma's heart.  He cares about every detail of our lives.  Yet, He is so enormous that these huge moments to us are so tiny in comparison to His greatness.  My worship time with Him is so rich right now.  I cannot stop praising Him for what He's done.  I am believing for more miracles and I know that I know that I know NOTHING is impossible for the God of miracles. 

Thank you to so many who prayed for her. 

Some worship songs about miracles
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hk0hu1oDSrE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6m5oxG3_C5g
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=De6gZZT1690


Below are some graphic pictures that may turn your stomach, so be aware!

Children's Pastor's drawing of Bella's finger before surgery.

Going Home

In Ambulance

On her way to second surgery!

2 weeks after second surgery

Today!

Coming Soon

I have many roles on this earth.  Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister, Granddaughter, and those can be broken down even further.  But I what I want most is to be, Follower.  Not a follower in the world's standards, but in God's eyes.  I blow it every day.  I'm human.  I pray that God reveals sin in my life and then when I identify those things, I try to work on them.  I am by no means perfect, but I feel I'm at least a work in progress...pushing and fighting to be more like Him.

What pains my heart is to see the blatant wickedness on this earth.  Yes, I know evil is here.  I know the enemy slowly and methodically breaks down any good here.  I know the Word prophecies that the end will be people who are lovers of self and hate anything true and right.  And we will be persecuted.  I can't help but think we are close.  I can't help but plead with you to be teaching your children the Truth of the Bible.  I think they need to understand and know that possibly in ours/their time, Jesus will return.  And what that looks like is imperative to them being able to stand firm. 

The freedom, not of religion, but to be a follower of Jesus Christ is becoming hated.  People are killed all over the world because of it.  If you stand for Truth, you will be hated.  We came to this country to escape persecution and now we have almost come full circle.

What I encourage you with, is to stand firm.  Keep your eyes open...your hearts ready.  Don't be caught sleeping or oblivious to the signs.  Watch and Be Ready!  Jesus is coming soon!  That is what we have to look forward to.

If you want to read more check out Matthew 24-25, Mark 13

We've been singing this song in our church for a while.  It's my heart's cry. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fBHcvJhc6Pk

Joy

I woke up grumpy.  I feel like I haven't slept in weeks.  It's one thing or another throughout the night.  One decides to sleep and the other two need their blankie or a drink, or had a bad dream, or a fever...the list goes on.  I'm tired.  I woke up thinking...this is gonna need strong coffee.   Then I pleaded with the Lord to help me make it through this day.  He responded with, "you are gonna need a strong devo...a strong time with Me."  Ouch.  I had first wanted coffee and to mindlessly scroll through my Facebook feed.  Okay Jesus, if I am gonna make it through today I have to do what I know I must.  So I dragged myself out of bed and sat at the table.  Read a bit, prayed a lot, and started the day.  I'm not going to say it has gone perfect, because that would be a lie.  But, I can say it has gone better than it would have.  I have been more patient this morning.  I have not yelled as much as I could have.  Just a sweet time in His presence helped me be a better mom.  Without Him, the enemy gains his foothold and I am condemning myself at how awful of a mother I am. 

I'm a negative person by nature.  I naturally see what's wrong with the picture.  I have to work at being positive and finding the good.  Small things put me in a bad mood.  I'm a perfectionist at times.  BUT I know, and I can see that the Lord is refining those things in me.  He's helping relax more.  He's helping me not sweep the floor 100 times a day. (it's a sickness)  He's helping me let the toys sit for a bit longer.  Enjoy these small babes. I'm learning to look for the gifts each day.  He's always working out something in us.  Mine is the struggle to see the joys. 

Today's joys...
The sound of the boys playing instead of fighting
Arabella asking me to hold her like a baby
Bella telling her daddy he can't leave without a kiss
The quiet of the schoolroom when they are working on making their fingerprints

Those are a few from this morning.  I challenge you to get a journal and record a few gifts each day and then look back and see the little blessings...the ones that make your heart smile. 

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

¹⁶ Always be joyful. ¹⁷ Never stop praying. ¹⁸ Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

Who will you be?

I've always wondered when I look at my children and their completely different personalities, what they will be when they grow up.  Will they choose you, Lord?  And then a good friend of mine told me that I could pray that the Lord would reveal or give me insight into their lives.  So I began to pray, "Lord, show me what they will be.  Show me how to push and hold back in different areas of their lives so that I can teach them what you would want them to know."  I feel like the Lord has given me bits and pieces and spoken little things to me, and those things I have put in my personal journal so that I can look back and see if I was totally crazy, or if the Lord was speaking.  There's little things about each one that I watch and see their strengths.  If you see those in your kids, encourage those strengths.
I can't help but think that Brody will one day be a pastor or evangelist of some kind.  Even though he tells me he wants to be an engineer and build iron man suits...which is a wonderful thing...his discerning and soft spirit tell me otherwise.  He has no fear of speaking to strangers.  He loves to sing and memorize the Word.  He's a different kind of kid.  Last night while the storms were all around us, he decided we should sing, "I am, holding on to you. I am, holding on to you. In the middle of the storm, I am holding on, I am!"  He sang it for a while and then the storm calmed down.  He praised God and said, "He's listening.  He loves me mom.  He did that for me."  Then after a bit the storms came again, and I could hear him in his room singing that song til he fell asleep.  It made me think of Paul in jail praising the Lord despite his circumstances.
This morning we were talking about families and choices and how every choice we make has a consequence.  Then I sat down to drink my coffee.  Bella was on my lap.  He walks over and lays his hands on her and asks if he can pray.  I said of course.  He prays, "Lord, help Bella to choose you Lord.  Help her to make you her Savior.  Help her to follow you."  By the end, I was bawling.  He looks at me like I'm crazy.  All I can say is, "Thank you buddy."
I don't know what the Lord has for His life.  I don't know who he will be.  But I do know God has a great plan.  And He does for you too.  God can still work and is working and you have the choice to follow and be who He has you to be.
Right now, the Lord has called me to be the mother to 3 littles. To raise them in the best way I can and teach them their schooling.  To show them how to live in a world that doesn't choose Him.  When they are gone, I suppose I shall be asking myself, "What now Lord?  What will you have me to be now?"  And He will again have another plan.  

Ready

Angry, sad, disappointed...how I felt yesterday as I read the Supreme Court ruling about something that goes completely against God's Holy Word.  All these questions flooded my mind.  How could we go from a country seeking religious freedom to a country against God completely?  How am I going to teach my children Truth when the government totally goes against that Truth?  And feelings of confusion on loving people, but hating sin...and tolerance and intolerance...

All those emotions swirled inside me last night.  I woke up feeling a little encouraged as I asked the Lord how I am going to navigate these things in this sin-filled world and how I am going to help my children understand.  I felt like the Lord was telling me that I shouldn't be surprised.  He is coming soon and these things are going to happen.  Slowly, the enemy and his evil schemes are going to infiltrate every part of this world, and Jesus is going to come back.  When the leaders of this country believe it's ok to kill innocent children, marry outside the context of His Word, take God out of school, let crimes inside our government go unpunished, take away rights of parents, the list goes on far above my comprehension...the breakdown of a once God-founded country will eventually fall.  I had a conversation recently with one of my best college friends about what we will be doing if in fact the things continue unraveling.  Calmly we made plans of where we will be and how we have plans of surviving the downfall of America.  Weird how we weren't panicking and truly felt it was necessary to divulge our plans to know of each others safety.  At the end of our conversation we were in tears thinking about how we are ready for Jesus to return.  In the end, it's only Him that matters. 

So as a young woman who is trying to navigate this world with perspective, knowing that this isn't the end of bad decisions and the slow breakdown of our world, how do make it work?  How do I teach my children right and wrong when people blatantly go against what we believe?  It's going to be in our face more than ever.  I do believe we are to love, but I also think it's my job to protect.  Now more than ever, it will be our job as mothers and fathers who love Jesus, to teach Truth and the Word, and hide it in ours and their hearts.  How long before His Word is taken away?

I do not have to accept this world's interpretation of how I am to live.  I only have to accept His interpretation of living.  Must I abide by the laws of the land?  Yes, His Word says to do so.  BUT once it interferes with what the Bible says, I must obey God over man.  I will not act like it's okay to teach my children evil.  I will teach them what's right.  To some, I may sound like a raving lunatic, and that's okay too.  The Lord says that I am to be prepared that people will think Christians are the crazy ones with their close-minded beliefs and intolerance to sin.  But here is where I make my stand.
Joshua 24:15  But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD."

There's a difference

Wow!  It's been quite a while since I've written.  I usually make time to write when my heart cannot contain or hold back how I feel.  Recently I have been writing a lot in a journal, so my thoughts have been expressed elsewhere...which you may be relieved to know. :)  But I felt compelled to share what I've been learning, and how the Lord has been speaking to me.

It hasn't been that long that I've felt the presence of God in my life.  I grew up knowing a lot of things about God, but not knowing the true presence of Him in my life.  I always did the right things.  I "performed" to a set of standards that legalism always expects of you.  I was a good girl because if you were bad, you were not accepted in the circle.  I was condemning to the world around me at times too, and I still am because of that religious spirit.  There came a point in my life that I was sick of the whole acting thing.  Life is messy.  Just because you do the right things, that doesn't keep you going down the easy road of life.  Pain and heartache happen to all of us.  Life sucks at times, and if there is the absence of His presence, it feels empty.  I always felt like there was something more.  Something I had to be missing.

About 12ish years ago...yikes I'm old...I went to college and found I was missing His presence...His intimacy...His love.  And then over the years, I have come to know Him more.  He is constantly sanding and refining me.  The work He does is never done.  He points something out, and then begins to work on your heart in that area...and if the lesson isn't learned, He comes back to try it again.  I know because I've been through it.

In a recent study at church, I have been learning how to hear the voice of God.  I thought I was going to find out how to hear from Him.  Find out there was a process to easy communication that I hadn't figured out yet.  He actually revealed things to me that blew me away about Him.  Of course He has a plan for us, His plan is amazing.  But He is not a God that is just used for our purposes.  He is not a genie.  He wants to talk to us through His Word.  He wants us to meditate in His presence.  The Holy Spirit in us is for a more intimate relationship with Jesus.  And through that relationship, you see His plans, you see Him working in your life.  You hear his voice.

 He has revealed to me how I have confused His voice with the enemy.  I have many thoughts of  self-condemnation. I always think I am not doing something good enough.  I'm not a good enough wife...  not a good enough mother...not a good enough housekeeper, teacher, don't spend enough time in the Word...I have beaten the tar out of myself.  And I have believed it was conviction.  But I refuse to believe that lie.  The Spirit doesn't speak like that.  Jesus doesn't condemn us.  His conviction is gentle and loving.  This condemning of self is Satan's way of distorting His presence.  It has brought me down long enough.  I have exposed him and I am transforming my mind to realize that it's not the Holy Spirit.  The Holy Spirit says, "Sarah, I miss you.  Come sit with me.  Come talk with me."  There's not a hint of condemning.  The Holy Spirit's conviction brings to light and exposes things, but doesn't heap judgement on our heads.  His conviction spurs true repentance and gives us hope that we can overcome. 

I will continue to be in His Word, because it is His Word.  I'm not in it anymore because it's what I should do.  It's what I want to do.  We have it right before us to study and learn how to become more like Him.  How to be changed and renewed....a constant process.

I pray all of you hear from Him in your life.  That your faith is made personal and you get to experience His presence.  It's unlike anything else.  Once you get a taste of HIM, you will not be able to go back to how you once were.  You will be forever changed.

Pondering

I was stopped in my tracks this week at how quickly life is going.  I just sat down the other night and had a good cry about my son who has grown into a little boy over night.  I shouldn't have, but I watched some little videos of him when he was 2 and my heart ached.  We are getting ready to start kindergarten.  Seriously, I can NOT take it.  I have a lump in my throat just thinking about it.  Gage will start preschool with us this year.  And Bella will mostly play and try to thwart our efforts of work. :-)  But, I embrace it all.  I am reveling in this coming season.  This is the season of life that has filled my heart so much.  I absolutely have those days of wanting to lock the door and have complete silence, every mom does.  It's normal.  But for today, I feel that exciting, blessed, joy from being so very thankful for His provision.  I get to teach these little ones everything I know, everything I can, and give my all for their benefit.

As we walked down our drive for our daily trip to the mailbox, I watched each one of them closely.  Brody, running full speed!  Always wanting to be the leader.  The first one to the end of the driveway.  Gage, trying to keep up with Brody.  Stopping to cry for a minute because he can't.  Then getting distracted by an ant hill and a butterfly.  And Bella, waddling after the boys.  Not really watching or caring where she's actually going.  She just wants to be a part of it all.  She's a free spirit.  It made me think how different we all are.  How those are journeys we are all on.  Some of us running full speed to win the prize.  Some running but getting upset because we can't keep up and then distracted by something else.  Some just going that way because everyone else is.  And at different times in our lives I believe we fit into one of those categories.  And so many others.

I guess I just want to remember this time.  This time in each of their little lives.  This feeling of something amazing is about to happen.  God is so good.  He is such a giver of gifts and grace.  His outpouring of favor on us unbelievable.  He loves me and He wants great things for our lives.  I feel like I need to live in that for the moment.  Saturate myself in how good He is.  I know this isn't an amazing teaching or me sharing something I learned.  But today I just want to enjoy this goodness. 

Freedom

I've never felt good enough as a mother.  I don't have all these amazing talents that so many other moms have.  I don't do pinterest activities or have much artistic talent that way.  I don't FEEL like I have enough to give to these little treasures God has entrusted to us.  The last time I worked outside the home, was before I had Brody.  And as long as I've been a mom, I've had this chip on my shoulder that there should be something else I should be doing.  I should be selling things on the internet...sewing blankets and clothes...making food for the masses...and don't get me wrong, those are all amazing things!  But I never fit into those categories.  I've always felt under par.  I felt like people have looked at me and thought, "So what do you do?"  And I've felt hurt by those accusations.  I've let myself be run over as "just a stay at home mom."

Today in a video message a dear friend sent to me, I felt true peace and freedom.  I felt the Lord spoke a word over me that just resonated in my heart and literally lifted this huge burden I've placed on myself.  He said, "THIS is what you are to do..."  And I was like what Lord?  What do you mean?  I looked around at these littles running all around me and realized it was the simplest, yet most meaningful answer.  "THIS" was referring to these little people.  I'm to raise them as well as God gives me the grace to raise them and to my best ability.  This is my calling.  Stop trying to add to this task He's set before me.  Stop trying to be something more.  I'm doing enough.  I am enough.  "THIS" is enough.  Its only taken me almost 6 years to hear Him.  Obviously I'm not listening hard enough.  But what joy and freedom I feel today because of His revelation.

Dear Jesus, continue to speak to me, and to the other mamas.  Reveal your plan to us through your Word and your voice.  We want Jesus encounters daily.  We want connection to you daily.  We need more of you Jesus.  Be present in our day to day activities.  Working outside or in the home, be our guide as we guide these little ones.  Thank you for your provision today.

Thanks for letting me share my heart family and friends. :) 

Remember

There are some things in life we can never forget...trials and tests that we have gone through that have made us into what we are today.  This week I have mulled a few over in my mind.  And all I can do is tear up and think, God is so faithful.  How did I get through it, if not for the Lord. 

This week I made a book to my Bella.  I used pictures from her birth to her surgery to show her how we went through the process of her being a thriving baby to a sick one with an awful diagnosis.  Which He then took and made a beautiful story.  He is so good.  And I am so blessed.

I think back further...to a time when it was just Bo, myself, and Brody.  Brody was 2, and we were trying for another baby.  I found out we were pregnant, and I was so relieved and excited.  I remember my husband coming home and announcing to him that we were going to have another baby.  We wanted to keep it quiet until we saw our parents.  A few weeks passed.  We were reveling in the awe of another.  Devastation hit me as I saw myself miscarrying.  I tried not to panic, but I knew that's what was happening.  I called for Bo, and we crumpled together in the pain of heartache and all of those dreams and first with that baby had come to an end.  Jesus was holding her now. 

In the weeks and months that followed, so many emotions ran through us both.  Anger, despair, depression, grief...

The Lord held me in those times, through all the questions, the why's, the what if's.  It rocked us.  It was a heavy storm that felt tipped the boat almost too far.  But the Lord proved faithful again.  His mercy and love are never failing. 

This week we planted a memorial tree for that baby.  I had wanted a weeping cherry.  For me, it was the picture of a bittersweet memory.  It's a beautiful, delicate tree.  It stands near the house as you pull up the driveway as a memorial stone in our lives as the Lord's faithfulness through all things.  I will forever remember you little one.

Flawed

The Lord's been prompting me to write on the topic of being flawed.  So many times I find myself not living up to what I want to be...as a wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend.  I constantly see where I fall short.  I know I'm a work in progress.  But I also know God can use us for the good just like we are. 

As I've been studying David in the Bible, I've come to see how God uses anyone to do His work.  ANYONE.  David was a shepherd...God made him king.  David was a young boy...he slayed a giant.  David was pursued by Saul's army...God hid him for His purposes.  Continually David sees how the covering of the Lord and the favor of the Lord rests on Him.  David was flawed.  He murders, he lies, he sleeps with another man's wife...and so many other things.  But the Lord saw his repentant heart.  The Lord saw his consistent praise.  And God continued to use him.

There are women throughout the Bible who are prostitutes, adulterers, gossips, the list goes on...but God uses them.  It's not about what you've done.  It's about where your heart is.
You see, I used to think that being a good person meant that I loved Jesus.  Because if you love Jesus, you don't do bad things.  That's insane.  The Bible is full of people who did bad things, and God used them despite their pasts, their baggage, their crud.  God is a radical life changer. 

The Lord changes our hearts first.  Then out of the heart, the rest of the life is changed.  And it's not immediate that everything is changed.  It's a lifetime.  He works on one thing at a time.  And then when that gets changed, He moves on to another area in your heart to work on.  I've known the Lord since I was 5, and He's still working on me...Praise Jesus!  I'm a flawed person.  I'm not going to be perfect.  I'm just working day by day to listen to His prodding of what I need to change.  And I can tell you that some things He's been working on for a loooooooong time.  It's a constant process.  But I do know that I'm not where I want to be, but I'm better than I used to be.  God still uses this flawed wife, mom, daughter, sister, and friend to do His work.  Despite all my shortcomings...He still uses me.  You are usable.  You are worthy.  You are a child of the King.

 1 Samuel 16:7
"For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart."

 Philippians 1:6
"For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus."

His Presence

What you are about to read, I pray is an encouragement and helps you through a tough moment.  Empty.  Blah.  Comatose.  Motions.  All words used describe myself the past few weeks or months or just certain days.  What is it that Paul says in Romans, "I don't understand what I do...for what I want to do, I don't do, and what I hate, I do."  I do not want to feel this way.  I want to be vibrant, loving, overflowing with kindness, patient and kind...you know, the fruits of the Spirit.  Yet, I am struggling for a minute.  Am I depressed?  It's definitely possible.  Do Christians get depressed?  Absolutely.  It's actually something that I would call a generational curse in my family.  I must actively fight it off.  Yes I know I have so much to be thankful for, but there are still days when ugliness gets through.

As much as I looked forward to a new adventure, I also loathe the process of everything new again.  I've done this a time or two.  "This ain't my first rodeo."  We've moved 8 times in 9 years of marriage.  I've been all over the mid-west.  Every time there's a bit of an adjustment period.  I truly miss my old friends terribly.  I try to put on a brave face.  I go shopping at the normal stores, but nothing feels familiar.  I miss my blood and church families.  I'm complaining.  And I'm so sorry.  No one wants to hear this.  Every body has their own "stuff" they are going through.  My mom always says, "Sarah, you could be in the hospital with tubes up your butt and in your nose"...well that would definitely be worse mama. 

So here I find myself raw before the Lord.  Wounds exposed.  Feelings of loneliness, sadness, anger, tired of being tired.  And the only thing I keep coming back to is, His Presence.  Isn't that the only thing that truly satisfies us completely.  Even if I had all the things I truly think I want back in my life, I still would be craving His Presence.  He satisfies.  He fills.  He delivers.  He upholds.  He gives.  Over and over without fail, it's just His Presence.  So here I sit, while the world turns crazy around me.  The boys screaming, Bella cooing, the T.V. blaring, and me trying to get a grip.  Just get in his presence.  Draw near.  Get closer.  Whatever you have to deal with this day, this season, get into the presence of the Lord.  Let Him be your strength through the empty days.

Your presence is all I need
It's all I want, all I seek
Without it, without it there's no meaning
Your presence is the air I breath
The song I sing, the love I need
Without it, without it I'm not living

I will exalt You, Lord, I will exalt You, Lord
There is no one like You God
I will exalt You, Lord, I will exalt You, Lord
No other name be lifted high

There will be no one like You
And no one beside You
You alone are worthy of all praise
There will be no one like You
And no one beside You
You alone are worthy of all praise

If you want to hear the song...copy and paste   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GT1LWYVnBVw

Light

Our road here in Kentucky is not what I would call safe or an easy drive.  It's beautiful at times, but mostly curvy, twisted, and downright scary.  I've had it on my heart to write about it for about a month now, but you all know how incredibly busy it is to move a home, let alone with 3 kids, dogs, cats, and a bazillion cows and goats.  So that is why I am finally getting a few minutes while the kids are "resting" to get this out of my head and onto paper before my brain explodes from thinking about it so much.  Keep in mind I'm sleep-deprived and a smidge insane.  :-)

Turning onto Convict Rd (save the jokes, there's nothing I can do about it, it was someone's last name, not a prison community) seems fine and dandy at first.  It is a one-laner.  There's a tree tunnel through most of it.  It looks kind of pretty at first.

That's how I started out my journey of life.  I thought it looked so pretty and easy.  I thought it was safe and gentle...at first.  Then along the way of this road and life for that matter, there are cliffs.  Drop-offs into ravines and rivers that could sweep you away if you're not careful and don't hang on tight.

The past few months have been downright scary.  We were told Arabella will die by the age of 4 if we do not get her this surgery.  Her lungs will be so used up that she won't be able to breathe on her own anymore.  And her heart will have irreversible damage after just one short year. Makes you want to puke...or worse.  I felt like I was driving on Convict Road at night when the moon can't even shine through to help light the way.  I felt like shouting to God, "Are you there!?"  Bo and I were still holding on tight to the wheel of faith, but it felt very lonely.  It felt scary and dark.  There were moments where we'd see little fragments of light shine through where the woods couldn't completely block out the sun.  We'd feel prayers or we'd grab on to the hope of someone's testimony.  But the road seemed so long at times.  It felt like it wouldn't end.  Life's like that.  There are things that we go through that just seem to suffocate us.  But there is light at the end of the tunnel...


Where our property starts...the covering of darkness over convict road ends.  It's like BAM, you start driving up the hill to LIGHT!  Freedom from the claustrophobia of the trees and darkness.  It will end.  Whatever junk you are going through, it will end.  Jesus will help you through even when it feels He won't.  Grab on tight to that wheel!  Do not let go of Him!  And when you get to the top...to the light...there is abundant blessing!  Blessings so thick I cannot even count them all!  And abundant joy! 

This week I'm going to buy a wall decal for my living room that says, "The Lord is the strength of my life..."  It's a Psalm.  It's my life verse now.  There's no way to do it without Him.  He's it.  He's my strength.  I figured out through all the junk life throws at us that I, in my own power, am a huge wimp.  Only is it with the Father's mighty hand, that I have true strength. 

Go

Four years ago, we moved to this tiny town to begin to raise our family.  We bought a 66 acre farm that we never thought we could afford.  We slowly started renovating the old farm house, cleaned out the fields, put in lots of new fence, and finally bought cattle and goats.  Cattle to eat the grass type plants and goats to eat the woody/weedy type plants.  Makes for great hay fields. :)  We began "Troyer Family Farm."  We have raised animals on only grass and hay alone.  No corn, no antibiotics, and no hormones for the past few years.  Most have said it won't work, it can't work.  But little did they know that's how it's been done since the beginning of time.  We are going backwards.  Fighting against the new normalcy of farms today.  So, after all that, I guess it's time to announce to the world, that we are moving. 

Not too long ago, God began planting a dream in Bo's heart about becoming a rancher/farmer.  He never thought it would be possible.  His job is secure.  We have great insurance.  I get to stay home with the boys.  He only has to work 40 hours a week, which left him time to do his cattle hobby.  Well God continued to push him.  Bo couldn't see how it was possible.  He is very logical.  He has done the math many times.  He is an auditor...so he didn't think it was time yet and didn't know if there would ever be a time...until the Lord got a hold of him.  One day as he was out taking care of the animals, he was arguing with God.  He was telling Him how he knew he wasn't supposed to be sitting in a cube for his whole life, and this is what he loved to do so why couldn't he do it???  Why was it taking so long and why why why???  God replied, "Go."  Bo didn't quite know what to do with that.  God reminded him of the story of Abraham and how he told him to go and move his family and everything he had and that God would provide the rest.  So, he came in from working that day and said, "We are putting our house on the market.  God told me to go."  So we put our house on the market and it was sold in a month. 

Remember that 347 acres in Kentucky that Back Hills Farm bought last year...well Kentucky here we come!  We are now Back Hills Farm!  We have built a house there and will be moving in the next couple weeks!  We will be expanding our cow and goat herd and adding pigs, a milk cow, chickens, and whatever else Bo thinks will be productive on that farm!  We will be planning a quarterly trip to take meat to our loyal customers here in Ohio and Fort Wayne IN.  And soon we will be offering pork and chickens and eggs! 

This was about a month ago, but I don't have any recent pics.  I will add them once I get there again.

front

back

view from my kitchen window

It's all still surreal.  We had our last Sunday at church and I still am not sure how to deal with all the feelings of leaving our family of friends, but I know He will provide again just like He always does. 

PS-  Miss Bella is doing very well.  She's eating like a sumo baby and it's completely amazing.  Another provision.  Praise the Lord! 

FIGHT!

This week has been a roller coaster.  Monday morning we went to Dayton Children's to have a sedated echo with Arabella.  When we arrived, they informed us that because she is under 5 months old, they have to monitor her for 12 hours from the time they give her the sedation meds.  We were not prepared for that.  No one had informed us of that small bit of info.  So, since they made me starve her all night and morning, she was MAD!  She was TIRED!  And so was this mama.  They ended up letting me nurse her to sleep and she went through the whole procedure asleep on her own without medication.  Praise Jesus!
What we were totally shocked with was the results of the test.  Bo and I were fully expecting them to say the hole was gone and we could go on with our lives.  That was not the case.  The doctor came in looking not so happy and my heart started to break.  Not only was the hole still there, it has not even begun to close, and it may be larger than they can actually see in the echo.  Another thing of concern is how small she is.  She is losing weight weekly.  She is 3 and half months old and weighed 8 pounds Monday.  He told us he wants her to get the surgery ASAP.  Her body is telling us that she cannot continue to do this much longer. 
How can my beautiful, precious, baby girl be sick?  How can I go on like normal?  How do I get through this?  I cry out to Jesus!  Help me Lord, I cannot do this!  He quiets my heart.  He dries my tears and carries me through this.  Because honestly, I can't do it without Him.  He is my strength.  He is my help.  He is my deliverer.
I have to fight the enemy from getting in my head.  He wants to use fear and unbelief against me.  I probably sound like a crazy person if I were to tell you the conversations that go on inside my brain.  It's almost like I have a little devil whispering in one ear and a little angel in the other.  I know it's like an attack from the enemy and I have to have my armor on every day.  I am preparing for battle.

Ephesians 6:10-18

The Message (MSG)

A Fight to the Finish

^10-12 And that about wraps it up. God is strong, and he wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we’ll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.

^13-18 Be prepared. You’re up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it’s all over but the shouting you’ll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You’ll need them throughout your life. God’s Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other’s spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out.


So I thank you my friends and family for your continued prayer support!  You all are awesome!  I have been blessed by emails, texts, cards, messages, and all kinds of ways that God is using you to help keep my spirits up.  Thank you again.  So surgery is tentatively set for July 30th as long as it passes the board of doctors on Friday.  We continue to ask for a miracle of healing.  If that means before or after surgery is in God's hands. 

Persevere

The verse that keeps coming to mind, "...in this world there will be trouble, but take heart!  I have have overcome the world."  Jn. 16:33.

God keeps giving us little trials to increase our faith.  If not for those trials, we would be devastated.   Some seem so overwhelming we feel as though we won't make it through.  I could let myself go there with this one.  But I have to make a constant choice to rest in Him.

We learned about a week and a half ago that our baby girl has a hole in her heart.  At her two month check-up they heard a murmur, which we know that means we have to go to a specialist.  Brody had a small hole when he was born that closed by 4 months of age.  Gage had a larger hole that closed by 6 months of age.  I went to the cardiologist expecting the results to be much the same for Arabella.  The Dr. came in looking a little serious, but I didn't think much of it.  He then showed me a picture of the heart, like he always does, and where her ventrical septal defect is.  Same place as the boys.  Only this hole he said is significantly larger than Gage's was.  And if it doesn't start to close by 4 months, we will be scheduling a surgery by 6 months of age to close up the hole.  One side is already looking enlarged and the other side doesn't look very good either.  He said irrevocable damage can occur if we wait too long.  He also thinks that Bella isn't growing as well as she should be because her heart is working so hard and consuming all of the calories that I am giving her.  Of course I panicked for a good few hours/days. :)  I'm a mama, give me a break.  But I have come to live in peace with it.  My God is so big, that this problem shrinks with each passing day.  He will take care of it...heal it or with surgery...I don't know the way He'll do it, but He will do it.  My hope and confidence is in Him.

Another verse I am starting to understand is,
² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. ⁶ But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. ⁷ That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. ⁸ Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

I know this is another testing of my faith.  I get up every day and pray that God will give me a peace that passes understanding and get me through this.  I cannot do it on my own.  I can only persevere with His grace.  It would be easier for me just to doubt and fret and freak out...which I kind of did at the beginning...but I choose to persevere.

Please pray with us as we are trusting the Lord to heal her.  We have a checkup June 26th for another echocardiogram.  We want to see that the heart is starting to close on its own.  Thank you friends.  Bo and I appreciate your prayers.  Love you all!

Thankful

I tend to see myself as a fairly positive person.  But lately I've been challenged to dig deeper.  Of course we all have our bad days...weeks...sometimes years.  Sometimes I get in such a hurry to do one more thing that my life is rushing by and I've missed all the blessings that God has laid before me.  Psalm 39:6 "We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing."  This challenge came from a book I'm reading called "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp.  It is literally stripping away a lot of junk from my heart and mind and helping me to refocus.

There's so much going on in our life right now.  And I'm positive everyone else is just as busy.  We have our normal day...which I'm not sure what normal is yet with three babes.  Then daddy, chores, dinner, baths, trying to grab a shower, beautiful sleep...not enough, but beautiful nonetheless.  It can all start to run together. She writes, "Being in a hurry.  Getting to the next thing without fully entering the thing in front of me.  I cannot think of a single advantage I've ever gained from being in a hurry. But a thousand broken and missed things, tens of thousands, lie in the wake of all the rushing....Through all that haste I thought I was making up time.  It turns out I was throwing it away."

As a mom and wife I feel my life is a fast pace dance that I don't get time to stop and enjoy.  Lists of things to do and only so much time to do it.  Hurry!  Rush!  I can do one more load, put away one more toy, feed one more animal, and we haven't even started real school yet...aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!  But this week...or at least for today, I want to live in the moment.  That's when all time seems to stop and we see the blessing and feel the thanks and smile for all God has given.  He is so good.  As I read my children a book before bed and sit there with them watching their smiles and enjoy the moment, I realize how wonderful that is.  I will never forget these precious moments.  What else matters at this point?  I am enjoying this gift of life that God has given for such a time as this.

She says something that changes my perspective..."The real problem of life is never a lack of time.  The real problem of life-in my life-is a lack of thanksgiving."  As I start to be thankful for each moment He gives, He starts to change my heart little by little.  This life is too quick to let it pass in a rush.  No one ever said I wish I could have worked another hour, did another load of laundry, mowed the lawn one more time.  We wish and want for those moments etched in our minds of love and thanks.  Lord help me slow down and taste life, give thanks, and see God.

Recent "moments"

Me and my girl

 Me and all my babes

My momma holding Arabella

 At Olive Garden with all of the kids...busy daddy

Going to do the chores as a family

Little rascal stealing his sisters seat.  Can you tell he's ornery?

Answered Prayer

Am I really the mother of 3 children?  I feel overwhelmed with gratitude that the Lord has blessed us with these three beautiful lives for the time being.  He is so good.

Arabella Faith (formerly Bella Faith) was born at 5:56 am on Friday, March 29th.  About 1 a.m. I had started feeling contractions about every 6 minutes.  I came downstairs to get some water and to change positions to see if this was really the real thing.  Around 2, they were 5 minutes apart, so I went and got Bo.  We called a family friend to come and stay with the boys through the night.  We got to the hospital about 3, and they were 4 minutes apart.  The Dr. was at home in Troy and so they didn't want to give me an epidural without his approval.  I was not happy with that, but continued to labor and wait.  He came in about 4 am and said it was okay for me to get an epidural, but the anesthesiologist was also at home and they had to call for him.  The nurse kept assuring me that women give birth naturally all the time and I would be fine.  I started to get worried because with the boys I had epidurals and the labor and delivery was wonderful.  Finally about 5 am I got the epidural.  The nurse checked me and said I was 10 centimeters.  Lucky me!  I got to labor the whole way without drugs...I'm still a little disgruntled about it. :)  So my whole body finally relaxed with the epidural.  I fell asleep for a bit because I wasn't feeling ready to push.  Finally I felt the need to push and after about 10 minutes my beautiful baby girl entered the world.  Lots of black hair and olive skin like her mama!

Her brothers loved her immediately and Brody promised to protect her and fight off anyone who tried to get close to her.  So that's taken care of. :)

Our family of 5!  I look a bit tired and my face is still has a lovely swollen look to it. :)

We changed her name the week before her birth.  A close friend of mine told me the name on the phone and I immediately loved it.  I was on my way home to tell Bo but I was sure he wouldn't like it because he's weird about names.  He said, "okay, that's it, she's Arabella."  And from then on that's what we called her.  The meaning of the name is extremely significant.  Arabella means, "answered prayer."  I can almost weep every time I think of the meaning.  She is truly an answer to our prayers.  I prayed for a daughter for a long time.  Answered prayer.  I had people praying for her to be full term.  Answered prayer.  I had one very close friend praying for 37 weeks specifically.  Answered prayer.  I had prayers for an easy delivery.  Answered prayer.  I had prayers for a healthy daughter because she had a two vessel cord.  Answered prayer.  This girl is God's special gift to me and I am so full of joy with His goodness. 

Just Wait

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.  Psalm 27:14

Sounds like an easy task right?  I think not!  I think that's why the psalmist adds, "be strong! take heart!"  It's like he's saying, this isn't going to be easy, so pull on your boots and dig your heels in.  This may take a while.  All throughout scripture it seems that people are waiting on the Lord to move on their behalf.  They want their prayers answered and they want them answered now.  If they have to wait, many end up doing things on their own and the outcome is not good.  For those who do wait on His perfect timing end up having an amazing story of faith and are blessed.  Tons of stories in the Bible reflect the blessing of waiting on the Lord.  Some wait for days, some for years, some forever...but because of their faithfulness the next generation was blessed.  

The dictionary defines wait, "to stay in a place of expectation."  How interesting.  I would have said something more like, excruciating and annoyingly wanting something so badly and not getting it until due time.  Because for me waiting is difficult.  Maybe it's because I'm 7 months pregnant and already I'm counting down the days until this baby gets OUT!  I'm expectantly waiting, but sometimes complaining too.  I know it's coming, I know the result of this wait is going to be a blessing beyond comprehension, but it's still hard.  

There's a change coming in Bo and I's life and we are having trouble waiting.  Some days it feels like it will never happen.  Some days we are despairing and whining to God.  Then are the moments where we have this peace that it will come to pass, it's just not going to be in our timing.  God is going to work His perfect plan and we need to sit back and let Him fulfill it.  I heard a word from the Lord about a year ago when I was praying about this certain situation.  He said, "Watch and see what I'm gonna do."  So here we are, still waiting, seeing the things that He has put into motion and understanding more the meaning behind that.  There are things that have happened that was completely the Lord's doing.  Things where we would try to butt in and make things work, and He totally keeps reminding us that it's not going to work unless He's in it.  He said to watch what He's gonna do.  How exciting!  His work is perfect!  His work is excellent!  I don't want to mess that up.  

Are you waiting?  Stay in that place of expectation!  Keep praying and know that He is faithful to complete His work.  It's never early and it's never too late.  
 

Isaiah 30:18 Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him.
 

Isaiah 40:31 But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Psalm 130:5-6 I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning.

Somebody's Praying

Most of my friends and family know that pregnancy and I just don't go together really well.  Bo always tells me if I was one of his breeding cows, he would have got rid of me a long time ago.  Well thanks honey, I appreciate that.  But I understand...I'm horrible at being pregnant.  I am sick all the time.  I have trouble maneuvering with this little girl sitting on my sciatic nerve.  I am tired all the time.  I'm cranky...and so many other things.  I'm just not myself and it gets old after 6 long months. 

Through it all though, God has been blessing me with encouragement from friends and family.  Every week it seems someone sends me a little email or letter of encouragement.  Whether it's someone just saying, "Hey I'm praying for you!"  or "God put you on my heart this week."  or an actual snail mail card from someone who loves me.  I am just blessed.  We decided on a name for a girl a long time ago.  It was going to be Brody's name if he would have been a girl.  And that name is "Bella Faith" which means, beautiful faith.  I thought maybe that would mean that I would have this amazing faith through this pregnancy and that I would be calm and all my fears would just be gone.  Well, that is not true.  I feel like I've worried more through this pregnancy than any of the others. 

God keeps bringing me to tears over the fact that others are "praying me through."  It's not my amazing faith that has done it, but many others whose faith has not wavered throughout this time.  Sometimes its just my four year old son at the dinner table praying for mommy to feel better and for  Bella to grow big and strong like he is.  So I've dedicated the name of this baby to all of you who have prayed for this baby girl.  Your beautiful faith has gotten me through this far, and I'm believing that it will get me to the end.  Thank you friends and family.  I love you. 

This song is a an old one, but the words remind me how there are so many others who are standing in the gap for those who don't have the faith or the strength to pray.  Someone is praying them through.  You can listen on YouTube if you don't mind listening to some old-school christian music.  I cry every time.  copy and paste...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ilYi-PJGyc

Somebody's Praying Me Through

SOMEBODY’S PRAYING ME THROUGH

Pressing over me like a big blue sky
I know someone has me on their heart tonight
That's why I know it's gonna be alright
'Cause somebody's praying me through
Somebody's praying me through

It may be my Mother, it might be my Dad
Or an old friend I've forgot I had
But whoever it is I'm so glad that
Somebody's praying me through
Somebody's praying me through

Through the tears, through the rain
Through the sorrow, through the pain
It keeps bringing me through
Over and over again

So when you're drowning in a sea of hurt
And it feels like life couldn't get any worse
There's a blessing waiting to push back the curse
'Cause, somebody's praying you through Oh…
Somebody's praying you through Oh…

Somebody… somebody is, Praying
Oh… Somebody is, Someone Somewhere

Someone got down on their knees and prayed for me
Somebody's, praying
Somebody's praying… you through